I had a C-Section

I had an obsession with natural labor. 

Podcasts, articles, youtube videos, meditation apps… you name it, I absorbed it.  My husband and I did a virtual labor and delivery course.  There were different sections for the variety of labor experiences one may have. I thought the section on a natural, vaginal birth was so beautiful I cried during it. The last section was a video tutorial and information on having a cesarean delivery and we skipped it.  “There’s no way that’s going to be us, so we don’t even have to watch that part.”

I hired a doula. 

(Shout out to Becca Van Dyke of Bemidji, MN!  She was amazing.) I read the statistics that women were more likely to be able to follow through on a drug-free, vaginal delivery when having the support of a doula. She was incredible before, during, and after my delivery - no matter the outcome.  I will always remember her telling me how strong I was, and how she rubbed a tennis ball on my back just the right way (and my husband just couldn’t do it right lol).   

I taught and practiced yoga regularly in my pregnancy.

I had a birth plan.

When people asked about my birth plans I would say, “I would love to have a natural labor without medication if I can, but I also won’t know until I’m in labor.”  For many women who have been in the delivery room, my statement would bring raised eyebrows.  And yet, many women were very encouraging of me as well - “you do yoga all the time, you’ll do great with labor”.  I always appreciated that encouragement, but I was never quite sure what they meant by that.  Is their definition of the helpfulness of yoga the same as mine?  

When I arrived at the hospital, one of my favorite candid nurses told me with a smile, “gosh you just won’t believe how much it’s gonna hurt” in response to my statement that I’d like to go without medication if I can.  And a day later, after that epidural was finally in play, I laughed about her being so darn right about the pain. 

In the hospital room, waiting for things to “get rolling”.

My birth plan didn’t work out.

I don’t say all this to scare anyone. Labor and delivery is beautiful.  It’s the most mindful, present experience I’ve ever had in my life. After a continued fascination with labor and delivery, and women’s unique and varying personal experiences, I’ve come to understand that some are able to deliver medication-free and some aren’t. I’d like to help with normalizing all experiences if I can, and also empowering women to feel pride in their labor and delivery no matter the details. It’s a big deal.  It’s a big life moment. All methods of bringing a baby into the world are worthy.

For my own experience, I had hoped I was in that medication/medical intervention-free category…. But it turns out I am not. Am I envious of those women who successfully complete their home water births?  Hell yes I am.  I am also so darn grateful for modern medicine and skilled medical intervention for my own needs.

I had a Cesarean.

April is Cesarean Awareness Month. The goal of the public campaign is to spread awareness around alternative options with vaginal birth before a c-section. I think I speak for most when I say that a c-section is not the first, and most desired route.  That mind-blowing, connected, in-the-moment, vaginal delivery with an immediate rush and connection to your newborn is the dream.  For me it certainly was.   Not to mention, a typically speedier recovery from a vaginal birth vs. c-section.

But that’s not how it turned out for me.  After 10 days past my “guess date”, trying every natural remedy under the sun to induce labor, an induction, 3 days of labor, nitrous oxide followed by an epidural, and four hours of pushing…. I needed a cesarean.  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t watch the damn video on this. 

After 3 days of labor, and four hours of pushing, this is us prepped for the operating room. I don’t remember who suggested we take a photo together (which I thought was an absurd idea at the time), but now I’m really grateful for this visual memory of a pivotal scary moment for us that we decided to take in stride. I remember Dan and I turning to each other and saying, “well, we get to finally meet our baby”.

According to statistics, cesarean sections are far too disproportionately utilized in the United States. I really can’t speak to the statistics, but what I can say from a personal experience is that I am so glad it was available. I never in my wildest dreams thought it would be me in the operating room. 

The outcome is the important part.

I wanted the “dream birth”, my dream birth. It was hard for me for a long time to emotionally process my birth experience. Absolutely 0% of what I was hoping for in my birth plan happened.  But 100% of my outcome did - my beautiful baby boy was born healthy and happy.  We were able to breastfeed.

This photo also felt silly to me at the time… I was so out of it. I’m so grateful for this capture now.

Fortunately for my physical and emotional recovery, I had a support system to help me through healing from a major abdominal surgery and the exhaustion from multiple days of labor combined with waking every 2 hours to nurse.  My husband was amazing during it all.  9 months of pregnancy, multi-day labor, recovery and newborn care.  I’m very grateful for my partner in life. I’m also so grateful for my parents who live nearby.  My mom stayed with us and it brought so much ease and comfort.  My husband’s parents supported us.  Friends came to stay with me when I needed it.  We felt very loved and supported as a new family trying to figure out our way. 

Deliriously happy and tired with our sweet baby boy. Check out the swelling in my feet!! The fluid retention and swelling after IV and surgery is REAL.

In the end, we are very lucky to have the little love of our lives. 

I am healthy. He is healthy. We have each other. That’s what matters most.

If you have had/are going to have a c-section. I see you mama.

You’ve got this. You are worthy. You are strong. This is important, hard, and yes it is still beautiful.

You don’t have to explain or justify yourself to anyone. Be proud of yourself for bringing this little one into the world.

Those fresh newborn days. :)