I’m pregnant!

Hi all, my name is Bryana and I’m pregnant, again! Okay, that is really exciting to announce! I am now 15.5 weeks along. I am feeling a night and day difference from where I was a week or two ago, and even a month ago, but whoa... I was really in the fog there for awhile.

If, like me, you too are/have experienced a challenging first trimester, I wanted to commiserate with you. Because misery loves company….just kidding… kind of. I wanted to share my experience because it feels good to not feel alone!

Privilege of Pregnancy

First of all, I feel like I need to say that I realize that my struggles are a great privilege. Second of all, in the grand scheme of things my struggles are not even that bad. Which is also wild to me. My symptoms were/are very normal and healthy, despite causing me to feel like a shell of a human being. But honestly, that can be the isolating part of it all.

Dislike and Gratitude

Because it doesn’t last forever, because you don’t throw up enough for it to feel like a real problem, because it’s normal, because women brave this all the time silently without you knowing, because the reason for the debilitating fatigue and nausea is a beautiful baby. Because of all that I shouldn’t complain. If I do complain, it might make me seem ungrateful… right?

WRONG. I am so dang grateful to be able to conceive and carry my second baby. Yet, as my good friend Amanda reminded me a few weeks ago….

You can be grateful and dislike pregnancy at the same time.

So there it is. I said it. I do not like being pregnant. Why does that seem like something I’m not supposed to say? It’s true, and it’s how I feel. I can be, and am, grateful nonetheless.

Woes of The First Trimester

You know those women who say that they’ve never felt more beautiful, more healthy, more connected to their bodies than when they were pregnant? Well folks, that is not me. Not even CLOSE.

When I am pregnant I feel like a foreign force has taken over my body. I do not recognize my thoughts, feelings, habits, and lack of motivation (both physically and mentally). My typical sense of control and order is straight-up GONE despite my attempts at holding onto it for dear life.

Eventually, I give up and give in to the loud demands and reality of pregnancy. I find myself sleeping as much as humanly possible, forcing myself to eat something...yes to bland foods (I guess if I have to eat). I do not exercise except to chase my toddler around out of necessity. I do not ever clean anything in the house (thank you for taking care of things hubby). I struggle to brush my teeth and take my prenatal vitamins, vitamin b6 for nausea, and stool softener for the constant battle with prenatal constipation. Not to mention the fact that I made mistakes with my work, neglected to communicate with people in a timely manner as per my usual, and likely completely forgot to do things that I said I would. (If I did any of those things to you...I’m sincerely sorry… it’s okay to remind me...again)

All of these physical, mental, and emotional changes are very challenging to me. They are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum of who I typically am as a person. Yes they are fleeting, but they make me feel like a human I don’t recognize.

My First Trimester Expectations vs. Reality

Because this is my second baby, I thought that maybe I would be more prepared this time around. I thought that maybe I would have a better understanding of what was happening to my body so it wouldn’t totally consume me as much. I wouldn’t feel as out of control. HA! That simply isn’t true for me at all! This pregnancy has completely thrown me for a loop all over again. In many ways it has felt very different than my first (Yes, I know… that hypothetically means I must be having a girl. No, we aren’t going to find out the sex.).

You know what drives me bananas around societal pregnancy expectations? Well… a lot of things. But here are a few… you’ve spent 3 months suffering in silence and/or waiting on edge with your closest loved ones to make it to that third trimester finish line. Then, you publicly announce you’re pregnant and it’s all joy and confetti! Wow, magic - you’re glowing, good job. But what about the three months before this moment?! That’s all erased like it was nothing. Just “morning sickness”, just “getting through the first trimester”.

Well folks, whoever deemed pregnancy nausea “morning sickness” - I could just slap them. I didn’t have “morning sickness”. I had all day/evening extreme nausea and fatigue. I couldn’t get off the couch. I had to go to bed at 7pm, right after getting the toddler squared away, so I didn’t puke. I let my toddler start watching cartoons in the morning at times so I could focus on some kind of bowel movement, and have a shower. (Up until he was 22 months I was a strict “no tv or screens” mom). I have watched myself become less active and less fun with my toddler, because I’m so tired and nauseous, something that is the most heartbreaking to me of all.

The first trimester…. That’s THREE MONTHS of your life. A lot of things happen in three months. So to dismiss it as “just getting through the first trimester” sounds nice but, yikes that was long, dragging, and miserable. It was hard! In the grand scheme of things is it a whole lot of time? Well, no. But it’s also not a very short amount of time.

Is it worth it?

Maybe I’m ranting, but maybe sharing my experience helps you feel seen. Do I think it’s worth it? Of course I do! After all, this is my second time intentionally opting in for this.

I cannot wait to meet this little bundle in February. To get to do the fresh newborn stage over again, and see my firstborn become a big brother is so exciting to me. I’m smiling now as I type that.

I also can’t wait to feel like me again. Simply put, this takeover of my body is not one that I enjoy. It certainly is teaching me a lot about myself. That part is not lost on me.

I think it’s important to say that I started a conversation with my doctor at my last appointment about seeking mental health support through a counseling referral. I know that I can take small steps daily that will help me feel better, but most days that feels utterly impossible. So with that, I know I need to beef up my support system.

I also know I can do this! I know this is the process of creating a healthy little human and I love that piece of it. But uhhhhhh…. I cannot wait for it to be over, which is not something that I like to admit as someone who typically relishes in living mindfully in the moment.

In my first pregnancy, I never wrote about my thoughts and feelings because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I also didn’t (and still don’t) think it’s commonly socially acceptable to say that you dislike pregnancy. I did after all have a healthy, normal pregnancy and a healthy baby as a result. This pregnancy is on a similar healthy trajectory. For that I am of course incredibly grateful.

So hey, if you dislike pregnancy but you are still super grateful, I hope you know you’re not alone.

Woes of the First Trimester