The Holidays- holding grief beside contentment and joy
Normally, decorating the tree is one of my favorite things to do with my family. But as I unwrapped our ornaments, each ornament a vibrant symbol of our life and family, many ornaments from my Grandma Luker left me feeling deep sadness and loss.
The Holidays.
We are entering the shortest days and longest, darkest evenings of the year while simultaneously embarking on annual traditions that can be both joyous and painful. The holidays can be a painful exercise in missing those that are no longer here to celebrate.
The Holidays can also be a time when some of the following may occur
We spend time with family where relationships are hostile, stale, complicated, or hurtful
We spend time with family members that may have caused significant trauma in our past (this is your annual reminder that you do not need to spend time with anyone that caused you- or someone you love- harm, full stop).
We may have complicated feelings toward the busyness of the season and/or the expectations around gifts
This is where I will plug a book that can change your life… Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab.
That being said, I love this time of year.
Something I’m learning is that a deep well of grief can coexist with contentment; grief is not black and white. We can both miss someone deeply and be exceptionally grateful for the present moment.
A few years ago I started embracing Yuletide, a period of slowness and merriment from the Solstice, Dec 21, through the New Year.
There is a magical opportunity that hangs between the solstice (the 21st) and the New Year where we have the opportunity to reflect on the year that has been and look forward to the year to come. This feeling of magic- the warm glow of lights beside a cozy hearth against a backdrop of a dark and cold night- is the foundation of the holiday season. For thousands of years people have taken comfort in the warmth of their lodging with their loved ones amidst the brutally cold, longest nights of winter. Hallmark movies and consumerism did not invent this magic, it was here long before.
Living as far north as we do, I think the solstice is even more special. When you live in a place that becomes dark for 16 hours a day on the shortest day of the year, only 2 hours less than Juneau, AK, you simply cannot help but feel the power. The earth is literally signaling your body to slow down, go inside, sleep a bit more. Our Western society likes to ignore the solstice. We continue to show up at work well before the sun is up and we return home in darkness. But sometimes our Western society doesn’t get everything exactly right- and for me, this is one instance.
This is a time to marinate in all the warmth of the year that’s passed. A time to cozy up in the memories and make some new ones. Wrap yourself up in the love of the healthy relationships in your life, as well as some fuzzy blankets. And maybe, it’s also meant to be a time and space to allow for grief.
I try to embrace slowing down with my family. I put energy toward game nights, lots of cozy lighting and candles, holiday movies, and simplicity.
During Yuletide I take off as much work as possible and spend the time making memories with my children. We visit my parents, go sledding, make cookies, play with their toys and embrace imagination. I try not to overdo anything or overschedule us (as can easily happen during the holidays!)
New this year, I’m going to allow myself time to miss my loved ones no longer here.
Experiencing grief is part of our human experience. It is a gift in itself, reminding us of the ideals we strive for in life. For me, I now wonder, how can I cultivate the magic and tirelessness my Grandma taught us so well?
We deserve a few weeks each year to reflect, spend time in stillness, catch up on sleep, and take it easy. We deserve time to consider what makes us feel alive, and to intentionally pursue more of that.
I understand not all professions lend themselves to this schedule. But in many instances, the work can simply wait. For those of you in retail, hospitality, healthcare, and other professions that don’t allow for time off, I hope you can find ways to embrace the season as well.
Maybe just a mindset of going easy on yourself can be profound. Maybe drop some of the obligations you’ve put on yourself.
I’m going to do my best.
I will probably wonder if I bought too many gifts, even while actively trying not to do so.
I will probably get stressed about the consumerism of it all at least once.
I will probably loathe wrapping gifts for at least an instant.
I will miss those that are no longer here with the deepest void of longing, and I will try to remember how lucky I am to have loved and been loved so deeply.
And when I feel myself transition toward the stress of the season I will return to the breath. I will return to thoughts of cozy nights inside with family.
I will ground myself in what I want the holidays to be both for me and for my children.
