I’m a survivor of sexual assault. The first time I said that phrase, out loud, I was in my 30s, over a decade after my assault.

March is Women’s Month. All month on the blog we are featuring women doing incredible things around the state of MN.

Today, I’m honoring all women. I am sharing a small piece of my personal story because, like women everywhere, we endure a great deal and often carry those burdens in silence.

Like many women, I guarded the secret about my assault fiercely. {In fact I’ve written variations of this blog dozens of time and never had the courage to share.} For years, I became extremely uncomfortable anytime the topic of rape or assault came up.

The #MeToo movement, followed by the Kavanaugh hearing, forced me to face, and work through, that experience. Therapy, yoga, yoga teacher training, relationships, a shamanic healing session, music, and sacred counsel were all helpful in helping me integrate this experience and move forward. Healing trauma is a process that continues over many cycles of years, we take two steps forward and one step backward.

I had reached a boiling point. I could no longer keep my secret. I sought out a shamanic healing session with Sarah Seidelman, and that experience gave me the courage to finally tell my parents what had happened. After a decade of silence, it was such a relief to finally share with them and it was a huge step in my own healing experience. I am becoming more comfortable speaking about this experience rather than keeping everything about it completely bottled up.

The fear that others won’t believe me is deeply ingrained. In the weeks leading up to sharing this post, I’d find myself worrying that readers wouldn’t believe me. So I thank you now dear readers for reading a bit of my story. I know that I am not unique in these feelings- so many women have their own trauma.

I still struggle saying words like “assault” or “rape” out loud. Actually just thinking about those words causes me to physically recoil.

I still find it difficult to discuss, even with my own family. Sharing this information publicly on this blog is also extremely vulnerable.

While I’ve come a long way in healing, it is still something I think about several times per week. I wonder if I will still be thinking about it a few times a week 20, 30, or even 50 years from now. Maybe. After all, it’s been well over a decade and it is still very present in my life. I am no longer angry. I have felt peace and forgiveness for a long time. I do feel sad for the version of myself that suffered, alone, for so long. I feel sad for what was lost as a result.

Why am I sharing this?

I’ve learned from my own experience how intensely personal and secretive we can be about our own trauma. On Friday evening I was reflecting on all the trauma that enters a room at a retreat.

I was thinking about how, as a leader, I could be more clear that I acknowledge the trauma in the room. I sat down to journal and decided to make a list of all the types of trauma that are largely experienced by women.

“Rape

Incest

Abortion

Infertility

Sexism

Breast cancer

Cystic ovaries

Ovarian cancer

C-Section

Miscarriage

Still Birth

Vaginal Birth

Endometriosis

Gaslighting

Traumatic Birth

Physical abuse

Verbal abuse

Financial abuse

Uterine Fibrosis

Sexual assault

Domestic Violence

Breastfeeding mothers

Mothers who could not breastfeed

All these ways and many more

Women carry trauma

It is a heavy burden

A complex thing this being a woman

It is also what makes us fierce

Complex, interesting, powerful

Strong, courageous, sensitive

Empathetic, care providers

There are many ways to be a woman”

— Amanda Imes

Women everywhere are incredibly courageous and strong. I am honored to meet and work with women through Boreal Bliss every day. Whatever you are carrying, I see you and honor you.

It seems that we may be moving forward into a time where many of the things we’ve carried in shadows are finally coming to the light. The secrets women collectively carried are finally being acknowledged and recognized as signs of our resilience and strength.

I think about how only a decade ago, heck even five years ago, women taking time to focus on their own physical and mental health was uncommon. I am proud to be part of the movement creating space for women to spend time caring for their emotional, mental, and physical needs. I am proud to be part of an organization recognizing that women are much more than one thing- we contain multitudes. We deserve time to recognize and honor the many aspects of all these things it means to be a woman. Yoga has been so integral in my own healing and continues to help me manage anxiety and feel embodied and whole.

We practice trauma informed yoga at our retreats.

Trauma informed yoga means we will not touch you, because the body holds trauma and we do not know how our touch may trigger a response in someone.

Trauma informed yoga means that we will not walk around the room, because walking up behind people can feel threatening.

Trauma informed yoga means using language and instruction that is inclusive of all body types and abilities.

Trauma informed yoga means that we understand that trauma is not something that just happened in the past, but rather something that lives on in the emotional, physical, and mental bodies.

In my first yoga teacher training experience, the instructors used hands-on assist. At the beginning of class we could raise our hand if we preferred not to be touched. I always felt like a weirdo because I was one of the few who raised my hand. In my second teacher training, I learned about trauma informed yoga. My mind was blown. I am proud we offer trauma informed yoga at our retreats.

I strongly encourage those of you working on healing and integrating trauma to seek help! I waited WAY TOO long to ask for help.

We are all walking our own path. We each carry trauma, heartache, and grief. We similarly carry our own stories of survival, courage, strength, and resilience. Women are incredibly strong. Thank you for being here.

#Metoo

Love, Amanda

P.s. This is the first time I’ve shared publicly in written format that I am a survivor of assault. It has taken me a long time to feel confident and healed enough from my own experiences to share.

Resources

Sarah Seidelmann is an M.D., author, shaman, and life coach living in Duluth, MN. She is passionate about helping individuals find their “feel good” and discovery their own beauty. You can learn more about her work, including one-on-one sessions at her website: https://followyourfeelgood.com/

Hilary Wilde is the owner/founder of Indwelling is an experienced embodied movement Guide that taught yoga for over 15 years. Through Indwelling Hilary offers one on one Sacred Counsel, consultations and training for businesses and nonprofits, as well as workshops and retreats. Hilary specializes in holistic counseling, depth psychology, boundaries, trauma healing, dreamwork, ancestral mending, spiritual direction, embodied movement, bodymind integration, and somatics. You can learn more about one-on-one work with her here: https://www.indwellingduluth.com/hilary

Yoga Teacher Training

The 200 hour yoga teacher training process is a time to grow, reflect, process, and heal. It is a hero’s journey that results in so much more than a certificate at the end. It is an opportunity to reflect on life’s experiences and consider how you want to show up in the world. For more information on our upcoming YTT, click here.

Summer Retreats Update

This summer we’re headed back to Madden’s Resort June 3-5th for another Luxurious Lake Life Retreat Experience, complete with a full spa, catered meals, a pontoon cruise, and of course- a smorgasborg of yoga options!

Learn more about that retreat here.

There are only a handful of rooms remaining, scoop yours up! We also have 7 remaining openings for yogis interested in bringing their beloved pooch with them! Email us after purchasing your ticket so we can get you in the dog-friendly cabins.

Our Adventure Awaits Retreat is sold out with waitlists available.

More info on fall retreats will be coming in April. <3

I'm a survivor of sexual assault.