Bring on the comfy pants!
We are entering the week of Thanksgiving. For some of us, the holiday feels like entering a warm, cushy hug. All that awaits us is a feast of delights, a deep, comfy couch, time spent with loved ones, and a lazy, luxurious afternoon. For others, the day represents a long, long, long list of to-dos. Cleaning, groceries, food prep, dishes, sore feet, exhaustion, and a house full of guests. Some of us look forward to spending time with family. Some of us dread spending time with those that may have caused hurt and harm to us over the years, or experience anxiety about what may be brought up. Maybe, it’s some combination of all the above.
I have some thoughts on how to make the upcoming holiday work a bit better for you! Take what you like, and leave what you don’t. I’ve been working on my “social hygiene” and healthy boundaries for years and have learned a lot from the likes of Nedra Tawaab and her books: Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free.
Even the most well-behaved children and well-meaning adults can benefit from a refresher on family gatherings! Setting up our expectations and boundaries with one another beforehand can really improve the day for everyone involved.
An important preface to all of this is:
You may still feel sad that you are no longer celebrating with those you used to celebrate with. It’s okay to feel sad about that AND ALSO know that you are honoring an important boundary to protect yourself. Others may not understand your choice to opt out, that’s okay. It’s not your job to justify your choice to others. Even when the boundary is painful to hold, you are doing what is best for you. You are doing a good job.
Something I think about is how 20 years from now, we’ll look back at this holiday and wish we could be this age again, celebrating the holiday in this way. Focus on enjoying the present moment with the people you love. Everything else will take care of itself.
These are the “good old days.”
Okay, now for some lighter thoughts.
One: The Leftovers
If you layer your leftovers in a baking dish, it makes the very best next day casserole ever, and saves a lot of hassle with tupperware.
Layer the stuffing on the bottom, then the turkey, mashed potatoes next, top with gravy. You will not regret this decision. Simply bake at 350 degrees until warm. (You can also freeze and save until a later date!)
Two: Expectation Setting
Before the holiday, speak with your support system about a few things that can ease some of your tension around the holiday.
This could be your partner, your sibling(s), your children, your parents, etc. How can you do this?
Have a family meeting early in the week. (No age limits on family meetings!)
Let your children know what to expect. List some ways they can make the day go more smoothly. Remind everyone to be helpful when/where they can. Maybe they can be helpful by keeping the house tidy, doing dishes after the meal, helping clear the table, using their manners, etc. Close the meeting by having everyone say one thing they are really looking forward to about the holiday. Keep it brief, bright, and positive.
If you will be with adults, share your boundaries in advance. Below are some examples:
“Hey fam! I’m so excited to celebrate on Thursday. I’m really looking forward to playing games and our annual tradition of _______. It would be really helpful if we can all make a mindful effort not to speak negatively about our bodies and/or using the “F” word (*cough, fat, cough*). This is a day all about celebrating bounty, and I want to be sure we keep that experience positive!”
“Hey fam, I’m so pumped to get together Thursday! I love hosting and having you all in my home. It’ll be helpful to me to share a few things that might ease my anxiety in advance. Could you please remind your kiddos to use a coaster at my house and to leave their shoes by the door? I am also so thrilled to make the meal, but would definitely appreciate your help with clean-up afterward. If you’d like to bring home leftovers, bring your tupperware!Thanks so much!”My sisters, Mom, and I practice scenarios before attending family events. We say, “okay, what are your boundaries, and how will you respond if that issue comes up?” We joke around while practicing, and it has really helped us work together in family settings. Here are some of our shared boundaries:We agree not to talk about others negatively, no matter what.
The cool thing about a pact like this with your trusted people is that they can help rescue you from tricky situations if they notice you are drowning.We agree- no body talk.
If anyone says anything about our weight (good or bad) we practice saying things like, “I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying that to me” or “my body is the least interesting thing about me.” **Truthfully, we’ve never used these phrases in practice. We usually just change the subject. But it helps build confidence to practice stating these phrases ahead of time.Fun experiment: Speaking highly of others behind their back (giving compliments) builds trust. Try it!
Three: Give up perfection
Just a reminder, give up perfection and the day will become a lot more fun. Focus on the root of what’s important to you.
Four: Do something for yourself
What is one way you can make the day more enjoyable for YOU?
This year I thought about how I would like to spend Thanksgiving. Immediately I thought about how lovely an at-home yoga practice would be. I am thrilled to wake before sunrise, light candles, and move with some of you. If this sounds like the perfect way to start your day, join me by clicking this link!
For the love of all that’s good, if you are not hosting, HELP DO THE DISHES.
Every time I go to a family gathering I am amazed to see guests who did nothing to plan the event, prepare the meal, or help in some meaningful way, sit back and relax during clean-up. Doing the dishes is the gift that keeps on giving. It feels good to help, and the host will appreciate your acknowledgement of their monumental efforts.
Get outside!
Take a walk. Do an activity with the kids outside. Play football. Climb a tree. Bring the kids’ bikes. Take advantage of the free admission to all MN State Parks on Nov. 24! However you can, get outside for a bit!
